Gays, Don't Do That

It’s hard work bruising egos, even if you’re as professionally competent as Sasha and Carl. Sometimes you need a SpokesGay. That sometimes is now.

Welcome, me!

Now. Let’s get right to the pissing-off-of-gay-doodz. Mainly white gay doodz. Before you wrap your peaches in freezer paper, though, understand this: All the things I list below I’ve been guilty of. Every one of us ambles about in an oblivion bubble about something(s). It’s part of the human condition. Doucheitude doesn’t have to be a terminal disease, but managing it requires acknowledging the illness.

And hoo-boy, is there a problem. These past two to three years have been a horrific. . . enlightenment. . . about the pervasive, unexamined, toxic sexist-misogynist-gender-policing-shit-on-the-guy-below-you sewer we soak in. Foolishly, I was shocked to see fellow gay men perpetrating as much gutter behavior as any prototypical FratBro. Turns out doodz are doodz.

So, from my back catalogue of assholery, here are some of the things you’re not to do anymore, gays.

• Do not think you’re incapable of being sexist/misogynist/racist because you’re gay and you know what it’s like. You don’t know what it’s like to be anything but what you are. If I had a nickel for every time I used to joke about “rice queens” and “jungle fever” I’d have enough bank for facial reconstruction to Cover My Shame.
• Do not feel up on your girl friend and then act offended when she tells you to take your hands off her tits. Who the hell do you think you are? Seriously? Just because you don’t mind having some dude cupping your nuts at the night club doesn’t mean women feel Safe-n-Flattered being molested. Women have different experiences and different concerns. Unwanted tit-touching is still unwanted tit-touching even if it doesn’t come with Bonus Boner.
• Do not treat bisexuals like Yeti. Bisexual people are real. They are not closeted gays using workaday het privilege to cover up weekend cock-munching. I was a terrible purveyor of this attitude in my extreme youth. I really believed it. It’s painful and scary to be ever the target of gender-policing as a young, out faggot. It feels lonely. It breeds resentment. But bisexuals should not be your target. They face dangers and aggressors of their own. Not the least of whom is you.
• Do not think you’re arch when you spew the kind of misogyny that would make (I was gonna say, “Paul Elam blush,” but really). Ann Coulter is not an asshole because you think she looks like a man, baby. What in hell are you doing using insults that say “she’s totes stupid cuz she looks like a faker who’s not the Real Gender® she claims to be”? Really? If you think “violating” gender norms (even if the violation is only in your own head) is justification to unload bile on a target—and publicly so that other, more dangerous people are egged on—then you are the kind of person who thinks it’s understandable to call a fey gentleman a faggot in front of your friends.Oops.The depth of the loathing (and it is loathing) many gay men unleash on women they dislike has left me breathless. Check out JoeMyGod’s comments section sometime if you need to brush up on the amount of aeronautical lift a woman’s flappy labia produces. Or on how much deep throating it takes to produce such a noticeable Adam’s apple on a typical female neck. Or how many hot dogs you can throw down her hallway before hearing an echo.

This isn’t an exhaustive list. I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of the transphobia that infects the mainstream gay community (except if you’re a safe-n-welcome drag queen). That will take 3,263 blog posts a post of its own. Think of it as a starter list, an affordable, modestly priced guide to get you started.