“Do you remember what I did to you last night?”

That’s what he asked when I woke, as if asking me to go to breakfast.

I kind of remembered. Then I turned over and felt the pain. He got me drunk, he drugged me, and he fucked me up the ass. I went home with him willingly; I had the hots for him and hoped to play around. But I did-not-would-not-would-never consent to a virtual stranger fucking me. I couldn’t even remember if he wore a condom.

Everyone is piling on Miley Cyrus for her performance at the Mtv VMAs last night. I’ve seen her called “skank”, “attention whore”, her body being criticized as unwomanly and undesireable, and even someone saying she “covered herself in STDs and crack”. Others have talked about Robin Thicke and criticized the appropriateness of a married 36 year old dancing in a sexually suggestive way with a 20 year old women. All of those are stupid things to talk about. They are sex negative, misogynist, slut shaming, body policing nonsense. In the “STDs and crack” line you get bonus racist dog whistles, and as for the whole age-difference and suggestions of infidelity in the Cyrus/Thicke pairing, it’s really not any of our place to speculate on what two adults and their partners see, do, or tolerate. Shut all the way up about any of that for now.

[Updates below]

If you didn’t already know, National Public Radio told the New York Times:

National Public Radio will continue for now to refer to Private Manning as “he,” according to a spokeswoman, Anna Bross. “Until Bradley Manning’s desire to have his gender changed actually physically happens, we will be using male-related pronouns to identify him,” she said.

So I told them this:

Dear Vermont Public Radio,

I hate having to write this letter. I love Vermont Public Radio; that’s why I’m a monthly sustaining member. But I don’t know how else to exert pressure on National Public Radio to do the right thing with regard to Chelsea Manning’s preferred pronouns. Please hear me out before you decide this is petty; it’s not. Trans people are dehumanized constantly, and the line has to be drawn.

I have wanted to talk about something for years and I think maybe now is the right time to talk about it. I want to show my support for both Karen Stollznow * and Carrie Poppy by sharing my own rather unpleasant experiences with DJ Grothe. I want to show that their experiences are not isolated incidents. They are part of a larger picture and are important.

It’s sort of known among certain people in the skepticoatheirationalist sphere that DJ Grothe is not terribly fond of me. Back in 2011 I contacted the speakers at that year’s TAM and asked them to consider including a mention of the importance of diversity and equality within our communities. Mr. Grothe (and some of the speakers) were not pleased by this. I think that is possibly when he started to dislike me and believe (erroneously) that I wanted to destroy the JREF.

There’s a special place in my imaginary hell for tepid bystanders who turn a blind eye to the suffering and targeting of someone more vulnerable. I hate them, and I hate them more than I hate the tormentors. Because they fly a false flag. They present themselves as friends but turn out to be collaborators at the most dire moments. Because they know better and they choose to do nothing. To do nothing in a way that magnifies the stage, and scope, and power of bullies.

So I just discovered there was a backlog of comments on the site (and pertaining to my post). I’m still learning the administration side, so I didn’t even see them before today. No censorship involved (although I totally will), so you’ll have to find something else to fap about.

It’s hard work bruising egos, even if you’re as professionally competent as Sasha and Carl. Sometimes you need a SpokesGay. That sometimes is now.

Welcome, me!

Now. Let’s get right to the pissing-off-of-gay-doodz. Mainly white gay doodz. Before you wrap your peaches in freezer paper, though, understand this: All the things I list below I’ve been guilty of. Every one of us ambles about in an oblivion bubble about something(s). It’s part of the human condition. Doucheitude doesn’t have to be a terminal disease, but managing it requires acknowledging the illness.

As an ally, my words are likely to be given more “weight” in a discussion by many people. There are a lot of reasons for this. The main reason is that I have a lot of social privilege as a straight, white, able-bodied, cis man. I’m someone who is at the top of a lot of oppression hierarchies. Another reason is that people have this idea of “objectivity” that is just plain wrong, because no one is objective.

I was at the Center for Inquiry’s second Women in Secularism conference last month. It was one of the best secular conferences I have ever attended and I hope there is another one next year. The staff, especially Melody Hensley did a remarkable job and I applaud them.

There were two dark clouds at the conference that dampened many people’s enjoyment. One was a notorious part time “activist” and full time attention seeker who attended the conference in order to taunt feminists and report back to his vile, hateful, and dangerous friends at A Voice for Men. The other was Ronald Lindsay, the CEO of the Center for Inquiry, delivering opening remarks that offended many, if nor most, of the attendees and speakers. He then chose not to attend a fundraising dinner (where the people who felt he had insulted them were asked to donate money above and beyond the $250 event ticket) so that he could write a retort to the criticism of his remarks. A retort in which he said some very impolitic and unprofessional things about one of his speakers in particular. I was late arriving at the conference so I missed his talk and haven’t said anything publicly about this all. I have, however, been watching to see CFI’s response after their board met to discuss the affair.

To put it in skeptic terms, #ShutUpAndListen means “You lack evidence relevant to this problem, so learn from those who have it.”

So first off let’s address the elephant in the room. I simply cannot add anything to discussion of Ron Lindsay’s opening remarks that holds a candle to what’s been said by Secular Women , Dan Fincke , Adam Lee and a whole host of other people. I’m not even going to try because the more I think about it the more irritated I become about Dr. Lindsay’s careless remarks and reaction to criticism. I’m simply not able to able to make a reasonable criticism will not turn into a giant “fuck you.” The experiences of the last week have given me many reasons to reflect on the arc of my life over the past few decades and how exactly I got here. I’ve decided to write about the things that I’ve learned about life and myself over the past 20 or so years.