[This originally appeared on Anthroslug’s personal blog on April 2, 2012 .]

I loathe the term “the Friend Zone.” It is one of those terms that seems to get thrown around without much thought, generally by men as an excuse for why they have had little success with dating and/or sex. My dislike for this term comes from my often-stated dislike for sloppy thinking and irrational claims, and as such I am not going to get into a discussion of whether or not the idea of the Friend Zone is born out of issues pertaining to privilege or misogyny (besides, [more articulate individuals than myself have already done so]](https://morethanmen.org/posts/00516_nomads-of-the-friendzone/)). Instead I will explain that my dislike for the term and concept comes from the sheer idiocy of it.

[caption id=“attachment_858” align=“alignleft” width=“209” caption=“There aren’t many D&D characters who look like this.”]

Today I’m going to put on my nerd hat. I’m a tabletop roleplayer. I’ve been playing D&D and similar games since I was 12: 24 years. Over on Tor.com Mordicai Knode wrote a great editorial calling for a greater depiction of diversity in the human characters from the art directors of the upcoming new edition of Dungeons & Dragons. Most commenters are in favorite of the idea. Some even pointed to a great Kickstarter projec t to hire artists to create a free library of art depicting diverse heroes for other creators to use. I applaud this project and encourage you to donate.

There is a debate within feminism about men. That debate is whether a man can really call himself a feminist. Some argue that since men have privilege that women do not have we cannot really understand the lives of women and therefore can be pro-feminist nit not actually be called feminists. Others say that this is limiting and is in it’s own way sexist, creating a women-only club that needlessly excludes male allies.

I think by now you’d have to have been living in a rather deep, dark hole to not have heard at least something about the sad case of Trayvon Martin’s death at the hands of George Zimmerman. Rather than rehash a lot of what has been hashed out and speculated upon ad nauseam regarding the case, I would like to speak to what I see as some broader questions.

[caption id=“attachment_841” align=“alignleft” width=“150” caption=““I just see…people.””]

One thing that white men like myself really love to say is “I just see people.” This is super easy for us to do. It lets us tell the world “Hey, I totally don’t mind that you’re black/a woman/disabled/queer/trans” while also apparently letting us get out of actually acknowledging privilege and oppression. It also lets us change the subject so that we don’t have to keep listening to oppressed people’s feelings. THe thing is, you can’t opt out of society that way. People of color are oppressed. Women are oppressed. Disabled people are oppressed. Queer people are oppressed. Trans people are oppressed. Just because we aren’t oppressed and just because we don’t personally have a problem with any of those oppressed people doesn’t mean we get away with just saying “I just see people” and changing the subject.

Good, it’s Friday. I’ve written before about microaggressions , those tiny, maybe apparently innocuous phrases, questions or comments that make us feel excluded, insulted, or objectified. I had one of those happened to me yesterday. Remember how Wednesday I wrote about my body and how my deviation from our cultural “norm” sometimes makes people feel entitled to treat me as an object? The very next day I was riding my train home from work. I was listening to music and reading. A teenager stopped in front of me and started talking. I paused the music, set down my Kindle and said “What?” The kid replied “I’m selling chocolate to raise money for school. Want to help? I know you like candy.” Because I’m fat, ya know.

[caption id=“attachment_818” align=“alignleft” width=“150” caption=“Your freakish author with Phil Plait, 2011 (Photo: Taylor Proctor)”]

I’m a very large man. I’m 6'5" (~196 cm) tall and weigh in around 400 pounds (~181 kg). I started losing my hair when I was 16 years old. I wear glasses. Those are things I have little-to-no control over. I also have tattoos that are almost always visible and a beard ranging from goatee-and-mustache with stubble to full, depending on how ambitious I’ve been lately. I’m funny looking. My appearance attracts attention.

Whenever someone points out that someone, somewhere has said or done something sexist there’s a dude who chimes in with “But not all men are like that…” Then they or someone else gets angry and says that the person pointing out the sexism is a bigot or a misandrist or is making sloppy generalization because, you know, not all men are like that. (We’ll save for another time why so many male atheists think “not all Christians are like that” is silly but stick to their guns on this one.) I get angry too when someone points out sexism. I get angry at the sexists.

After work today I’m heading to literary science fiction/fantasy convention. I’m pretty excited. It’s probably too late for you this year, but next year you should consider going to FOGcon here in the San Francisco Bay Area. I’ll buy you a drink.

Anyhow, FOGcon has a clearly articulated and posted policy on harassment . This is something many conventions and conferences do. TAM has one as well , but there was a bit of a furor over it, including talk of boycotting the event.

[caption id=“attachment_795” align=“alignright” width=“200” caption=“Some men see this as a trophy holding a trophy.”]

Over on Cracked.com David Wong has a piece titled “5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women ” that I though would be useful as a tool to explain the ways that the “But I’m an atheist…” argument doesn’t hold water. Just because you’re a skeptic or and atheist doesn’t mean that you’re not influenced by the society around you. Here are some examples: